time to smoke my breakfast
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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