my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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