For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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