Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
