Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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