theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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