Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
