Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
