The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
