After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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