OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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