The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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