I'm so fucking centered right now
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
