I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
