I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
