I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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