i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
