I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
