im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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