Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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