Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
