2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
then he tried to convert me to islam
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
