I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
