tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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