Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
