Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
