She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
