Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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