i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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