So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
