i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
