This girl is more easily done than said...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
