we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
