Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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