My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
