i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
