Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
