totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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