i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
