Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize