we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
