fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Let's get the cat blown out
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize