Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
