There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
