When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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