I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
