I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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