So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
