I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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