i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
