I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
