I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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