I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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