and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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