You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
two words...techno handjob
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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