Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
