Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
