I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
