Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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