that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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