I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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