I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
