My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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